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Sunday Inspiration: Be You

Photo post by @kegarland.

Source: Sunday Inspiration: Be You

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I can’t do anything right

How do people even manage their lives? How do they manage to manage their lives? How do they know what they want to do once thy finished obligatory school, once their lives really start? How do they know that the job they’re doing, the major they’re taking, the person they decided to spend their life with – that all these decision were the right ones?

Because I want to know. I want to know how to make decisions, the right ones. How to wake up and just know that the road I am one is the one right for me. That when being asked if this is really where I want to be in life, I will happily say yes. That every decision I made lead up to the point where I am now and that I like it here.

But right now, it seems like I can’t do anything right.

Wordless Chance Encounter

I always try to find beauty and inspiration in every aspect of life, but still I find myself in loss of words and ideas, if it’s for a story or a new blog post, so I am trying out writing a response post to this weeks Discover Challenge, which is “Chance Encounter”. Upon reading the introduction to this topic I immediately thought about one I recently encountered, while taking the tram to my English lecture.

It was about 11 o’clock, I was minding my own business, listening to music through my IPod, when a girl entered the tram and decided to stand in front of me, minding her own business, looking at something on her phone. I was mesmerized for some strange reason. There are a lot of beautiful things to see in this world, if it’s part of nature, humanity or a product of humanity itself. What I love most about beauty is that you’ll sometimes discover it in the strangest places at unexpected times, just as I was right then. Also beauty can present itself in the most different ways, and is not only found in perfection as lots of people may think, it’s there no matter if it’s the aura of a person, their blinding smile or the way they pronounce every single word in a way that makes them even more meaningful. So I was standing there, in the tram, not able to take of my eyes of them, I assume it was a female that at least identified as a woman, and asked myself what it was about her that made me react this way.

Her features were very soft and round, her hair was rather short and was beautifully died light blue with underlying streaks of purple and slight green, it was an artwork in itself. Also her clothing wasn’t rather usual, a white beautiful blouse, a black leatherjacket paired with wide jeans that were teared open at the knees and black patent leather shoes. She wore them with some sort of coolness and self-confidence I could only wish to have one day. I wasn’t able to look at her face directly, and also her physical features were mostly hidden by her baggy clothing, but still I could make out certain aspects of her look and again I was taken aback.

I know how the presence of a person alone, their aura, can influence your perception of them, but I wasn’t talking to her and I only met her seconds ago, so my next guess was if I maybe was attracted to her. Living in a heteronormative world I did assume the moment that sexuality became important to me that I was a straight girl. With time I did learn that sexuality is something fluid, that does not have to be pinned down and may change through time. Also I have always been able to detect people that were beautiful to me without paying any attention to their sex or gender, and knowing I was attracted to men I never deeply thought about my sexuality, as I live in a rather conservative family and knowing coming out as anything else that a heterosexual would have caused a lot of drama and confusion. Also I don’t feel the need to, as I am not even sure if bisexual is exactly something I would identify as when I never even had a slightly sexual encounter with anything other than men.

With that I want to say that this may not be the first woman I met that flabbergasted me and made me think of the option of exploring my sexuality, or maybe I don’t even want to change the label queer, even after experiencing and that is okay. I don’t want to make a big deal out of something as little as “One day I want to marry a man and have kids, but I also really want to kiss that woman I met on the tram the other day.” That chance encounter may have been wordless and short, I do not even exist in the mind of that beautiful, beautiful woman most probably, but it made me think and rethink about certain things, and inspired me to answer to this challenge. Also I had yet another opportunity to encounter beauty, and that’s AWESOME!

 

Aggressive Procrastination

I am an aggressive procrastinator. What that means? Let me tell you:

You know how when you have work to do, but you don’t want do it, so you just find excuses to chill or watch TV a little longer or eventually be productive by cleaning up or just do anything that isn’t that actual thing you should be doing? It’s called procrastinating. So now there is a more intense form of that act in which you push that task away further and further until you reached the very peak – and then you still don’t do it even if you, your boss, your family and probably your neighbour’s dog know you should just get it over with. You. Just. Don’t. Do. It.

That’s me whenever I have to do something really important. My heart will literally clench in my chest because I know in how much trouble and stress I’m going to be in, but there is nothing I can do against that inner voice in my head that says “just watch the next episode. Or season. Or another whole series while you are at it.” It’s frustrating really, knowing you should really be doing something, but are not physically able to do it.

But this would be no fun if I’d just ramble about its definition with no examples, so let me show you how I aggressively procrastinate:

  • My 4 wisdom teeth should have been removed… almost 2 years pass and Im still stuck with two of them because I can’t bring myself to go to the dentist and get them removed without being able to talk  or eat properly. Helloooo, no food?? And I hate having my teeth removed, it’s just an ugly experience all in all, and I hate going to the dentist in the first place, so what’s the point??
  • Another medical thing: My ribs are kind of unsymmetrical, so the last one on the left side stands out more than the other, I know, it’s awesome -.- I asked my doc and he gave me some kind of paper for getting x-rayed and I even had one month to visit that place. You know what I did? I didn’t freaking go. I literally had time for a month to go, I “forgot” about it for a year and then I finally got x-rayed…
  • …and now that I got the results I should have gone to my doctor so he can look over them…well, that should have happened a month ago. No further comments on that one honestly…
  • I got two exams this summer that may or may not decide on my further life. You want to guess how much I studied for them? Ding-ding-ding, you got it! -Absolutely nothing! At this point I could cry, and the only reason I don’t is because it would make the whole situation too real. Meh, I should really stop talking about that, I’m nearing an existential crisis, if I’m not experiencing one right now…
  • As I am currently studying comparative literature I have to read loads, currently about 20 books and texts and I just had 2 weeks of Easter holidays. I read like 5. And this is truly ridiculous, as I loooove reading, but some of it is just truly boring and the fact that I absolutely HAVE TO READ THEM just turns on a switch in my head activates my stubbornness over nothing. Oh, my!

So these are just a couple of examples that I procrastinate over just right now! What is the longest time you pushed a task aside? What should you do right now, instead of procrastinating by reading about procrastination? Let’s end it right now, as I will get off my laptop while you go do whatever, really, I am not your mum – go read my other blogposts if you want to keep this endless circle going!

I’m not gay, just a decent human being

 

Heya, this is not about my sexuality, as you might think. I just want to talk about the topic sexuality, as there are many different approaches to it and a lot of misconceptions. I recently started to listen to Tyler Oakley’s podcast “Psychobabble” (I highly recommend it to all who want to have a laugh while listening to the latest star gossip or deep conversations). And one thing he mentioned really stuck in my head, that allies of the LGBTQ+ community should stand up to their beliefs and show openly that they are supportive. So let me do just that and give my opinion to some major misconceptions about sexualities.

  • Misconception #1: Being gay is a choice

Let me tell you that I have read and personally listened to enough heart-breaking coming out stories or in general experiences that lots of LGBTQ+ people go through, to know that being gay in a heteronormative society is not a choice. The fear and hate some people grow up with makes children and teenagers feel so bad and out of place that in moments of weakness they either wish they were straight or never even existed in the first place and those are thoughts no kid should ever have, least of all because of their sexual orientation. Fact is they cannot change who they are or who they love and they should not be pressured to try by being sent to camps or forced to date or even have intercourse with the opposite sex. If strictly heterosexual person can’t make themselves fall in love with someone of the same gender, a homosexual can’t either, just as an aromantic/asexual person can’t fall in love or have sex with anyone.

  • Misconception #2: Being gay/bi/… is unnatural

I find it very ironic and amusing how humankind compliments itself by stating they are extremely intelligent and such an advanced race, but when it comes to cases of rape or the topic of sexuality the arguments often base on our so called instincts to procreate. They are right in one point only, it amazes me how far we have come looking at our technology and all the possibilities we have. On another hand humans can be very irrational and almost stupid. We are so many on this planet and we have knowledge about so much in these times of the internet and social networks – people cannot possibly think that it is of importance for a man to be with a woman to preserve our race? There are so many abandoned children, whose number of cases could be easily decreased by choosing to let same-sex couples marry and actually adopt children. Also as I said, no one chooses their sexuality, so there is really nothing unnatural about that. By the way, there are also lots of animals who choose a same-sex partner. So what do you want to tell me, that dolphins rebel and choose to be gay? Yeah, thought so…

  • Misconception #3: Gay people will turn my children gay/bi/…

No. Seriously what kind of logic is that? Apparently our gay Spanish teacher did not manage to turn any of my classmates gay and an openly gay friend could not prevent being homosexual by being surrounded by straight couples in school, in the TV and basically everywhere. Shouldn’t we all be heterosexual when the only thing they show us are heterosexual couples or over-sexualised men and women who have lots of meaningless intercourse with the opposite sex? As you see, it did not work because that is simply NOT how sexuality actually works. Grow up and do your research.

  • Misconception #4: Being gay/bi/… is a new and modern lifestyle

And again – RESEARCH. Having a gay relationship was not only common in ancient Greece, but often even happily seen and recommended. I have also read of cultures that considered same-sex relationships as something sacred. So don’t try to tell me people only recently found out about those sexualities or identities, as transgender. All those interpretations have existed before, only no one put an actual name on them. Those feelings could only be vaguely described and not named. Today those sexualities and identities (of gender) have names and we can actively label ourselves IF we CHOOSE to (btw – watch “The Danish Girl”, such a good movie about a trangender man in the 1920s)

I do not want to aggressively change anyone’s minds. As an ally of the LGBTQ+ community I want to learn and educate other people, no matter if it’s about what’s fact and what’s fiction or what’s bi- and what’s pansexuality. I want to show people that even if they still don’t like the idea of anything else that is not heterosexuality, there are still ways to live without offending and insulting any of your fellows. There are ways to live in harmony, we only have to listen and learn.

If anybody can find someone to love them and to help them through this difficult thing that we call life, I support that in any shape or form.

Will Smith

My New Year’s Resolutions

I don’t particularly like New Year’s resolutions. They always felt like obligations, a contract that you sign with yourself, so in July you feel like you have failed because you were too motivated on New Year’s Eve and set impossible goals for yourself. So what I am going to do is set some unsettled ideas and aims for myself that I can accomplish without putting myself in any danger, as starving at the end of December to lose those extra pounds as quickly as possible – here we go:

– Be fit and healthy

I am trying to love my body as it is, plus the love handles and the scars and what not, but it is very important for me to not lose control over my body and weight as I see some in my family now struggling with different problems concerning their heart and joints and I do not want to end up there. I already started to reduce the size of the portions I eat, so my body does not even realize that i eats less, I drink more water and even try to cut down the sweets (there were to many birthdays including cakes this December…)

– Meet and stay more with people that make me happy

I found out that most people I had to endure talking to and hang out with in school didn’t even fit into my picture of a friend or people I like. Since then I completely distanced myself from them and only stayed with those that I either like or that want to invest their energy in our friendship. I had honest talks asking those people I actually wanted to stay in touch with if they wanted to stay friends and literally didn’t care about the rest. I got so tired and sad after these years of depression I could not imagine myself keeping up a charade for people I do not even care about. I want to be happy and spend time with people that can make that happen.

– Get to know different people and learn from them

I am an open-minded person I like to think, but I recently thought about how my circle of friendship is not that diverse. I mean, I have friends from different cultures and households, but they mostly grew up in rather similar surroundings under similar circumstances having akin experiences. I want to learn and hear other people’s stories, and believe me, if it wasn’t for the fact I would come off as a creep I would just start conversations with complete strangers to learn more about them and their way to live. I will figure that point out along the way I guess.

– Put myself first and not feel guilty about things that aren’t my fault

I really love to help others and make their lives easier, but I often forget in the process to take care of myself first and then I feel guilty for not being able to help someone and that is not okay. Everyone should look out for themselves first before taking care of someone else. Also people think they can take advantage of me by my guilt driven mind and this should really stop, it’s driving me crazy!

– Influence the people around me in a positive way

I already did that a bit by showing three of my cousins the joys of reading books and they thanked me for it, when I didn’t even do it intentionally! It made me extremely happy, and I saw an opportunity to do this, influence people or even just make them happier or think about certain topics critically. Living in a rather conservative family my top priority are them and people in my direct area, as I know I can’t change the world in a year. My main focus lies in making them at least less sexist, racist or homophobic. If you grew up where these are unfortunately normal attitudes you also know how it is to grind your teeth while your uncle or someone else is offensive at family dinner because your parents don’t want you to throw a fit. Enough of that. I will open my mouth even more often in this year and educate people around me to live a non-offensive and tolerant life. I know it’s harder with adults, but at least I want their kids to learn something from it. I hope I will have success with that one, as it is something I strongly care about.

– Be happy with me and my choices                                                                    

I still have to think about what I truly want to study and work as later on, so I hope this is going to be the year I will find this out and start working towards a future I chose BY MYSELF, FOR MYSELF

Ottermann - Tagebuch (rot)These are some special kind of diaries (that one is in german). Instead of being forced to come up with what to write in long paragraphs every day, this diary was designed to be filled out by you. There are a couple of different forms in which you tick off how you felt today, draw a graph of how happy or productive you have been, who you have met and much more. Firstly I got it to change my life to the positive and improve myself, so on the first page all the “resolutions” are listed and I can always keep in check if I make any progress. I love it!

So finally, to me and you, the one reading this: I wish us an incredible and happy year. Go have a Cookie or something, you are awesome!

Welcome to the 21. Century!

Hello there! Welcome to a world where the human race is somewhere in between being open and tolerant towards others and totally closed up and conservative. If you ask why, you live under a rock. Watch the news.

Here is a personal story that, yes, is not that important, thinking about the fact racism and homophobia still exists, but still shocked me somehow.

The other day I wanted to walk into the building I live in, when I spotted a neighbour I don’t really talk to, but still see every now and then. So I did want to hold the door open for him. I, a young lady, holding the door open for a young man. Didn’t bother me in any way, until he said “No, it is alright”. I thought I didn’t hear him correctly and insisted on him walking into the building. Afterwards he did say thank you, adding “Normally it’s the other way around, haha” and I responded “Well, we do also live in the 21. Century, so.” I should not have to add that this was the most awkward elevator ride I have ever experienced. Adding a tight-lipped smile to my comment I stayed silent for the whole ride. I was offended. He was offended. It was awkward.

For heavens and hells sake, why would anybody feel offended if somebody holds the door open for them? Did I somehow attacked your masculinity, young man? Do you feel sterilised because a lady held the door open for you? Well, then I have to tell you that I enjoyed destroying your conservative look on the world and society, because I WOULD DO IT AGAIN, MUAHAHAHAHA!!!

Okay, let’s get serious again.

I do know that it was common for a woman to walk behind men and to let them hold doors open for her, but didn’t we already grown as humans? Does society still think a woman is not capable to take care of anything? How do you expect the next generations to accept women in every job sector, as equal to men and as strong enough to make their own decisions, if we won’t accept a woman to hold the door open for a man when the situation is given?

I want to live in a world where a man holds the door open for me and vice-versa, not thinking what an awesome gentleman he is, but because he is a human being as much as I am and it is a form of politeness and respect. Yes, it is nice to get invited to dinner where you don’t have to pay, but I will never assume it (by the way: who invites mostly pays, unless stated or agreed otherwise). Yes, you should help someone, no matter what sex or gender, when they are having difficulties carrying heavy bags or something. And yes, even as a man you should offer your help to a man. I know the “Bro-Codex”, it is okay. Really, bro, really!

To any future “men-I-will-hold-the-door-open-for”: if you feel offended by a female that holds the door open for you, start looking for your confidence that has been buried, when society threw their standards on what “real men” have to be like on you. I feel sorry for you being raised in that way, just as many other men and women, but it is on you now to educate yourself and make a difference. I hope you make the right choices.

(Wow, that escalated quickly ^^)