People you meet in a library

Recently I finally got a job at a departmental library. I am incredibly happy! I have been looking for so long and I would have never guessed that my first ever job would be one I actually really love doing! I work two days a week for 5 hours, which is a reasonable time and I get paid well, so I couldn’t be happier with my working place. I am actually writing this blog from the computer at the library, so you see I have all the freedom in the world!

Working here for about two months I met lots of different kinds of people in a short time span. While the ones I am working with are incredibly nice and helpful, I had short encounters with some that made me think a lot about human nature… So here are the kinds of people that visit the library!

  • The coffee junkie (or the “seriously-I-need-this-cup-of-coffee-right-now person”

It’s the same woman every time. Fluid beverages that are not in a bottle are not allowed inside the library. No cups, mugs or bowls. This is an official rule. She damn well knows that rule because we remind her every week that, “I’m sorry madam; you cannot take that cup of coffee with you!” Every time she turns on her heels, with a half shocked, half indignant look on her face saying, “What? Really? Can’t we make an exception?” That is the moment me and my colleague would like to sigh loudly and scream no, but we calmly tell her why it’s not possible. The next argument usually is, “But I really need it!”. Now all I am thinking about saying is, how she can pour it up her ass (pardon my language!), but I do actually manage to keep it to myself and insist that she just can’t do that. Every time.

  • The Speedie Gonzales (or the “rushing-in-‘n-rushing-out” person)

Some people are in such a rush they completely forget their manners. I’ve had people rushing into the library, hissing, “I want to return this book.” and sprinting out again. Well, jokes on them, because they brought it back late and as long as they don’t pay back the money they won’t get any more books. Ha-ha indeed! Seriously now, I have been in a rush lots of times, I was stressed out, but I wouldn’t dream about talking to a stranger, who didn’t do anything wrong, in an utterly disrespectful tone, throwing things at them that don’t even rightfully belong to me! That is no way to treat any human being, really, no matter if stranger or not!

  • The lazy person (or the I-could-but-I-won’t-isn’t-this-your-job?” person)

I cannot stand these. They walk into the library, with thousands of booktitles they are looking for and think they can do this by giving us the list so we cn go search them. No. And no, this is not my job. I may show you where and how you can find these books online and borrow them too, but that’s how far it goes. I am not here to do your research homework. I will not walk around looking for these books and I will not listen to you telling me what my job is. I know it. I got the thingy that makes beepy sounds; I know what I’m doing, thank you!

  • The steady customer (or the “I-know-what-I’m-doing-and-I-won’t-bother-you-more-than-necessary” person)

I love these people. They make my day. They know the rules of the library, they know how to do stuff and they are mostly very nice and won’t bother you with simple questions because they already know. They get their key to put their bags and jackets in, they know not to take a cup of tea or coffee to go with them in the library, they know how to use the computer and search engines. These people are like wonderful fairies that fly into the library and leave bursts of glitter behind them as they go again.

All in all I can say that I very much enjoy my job and working place and can’t wait to learn more and improve myself. There are still so many kinds of people to meet in a library and I can’t wait to make these new experiences.

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I can’t do anything right

How do people even manage their lives? How do they manage to manage their lives? How do they know what they want to do once thy finished obligatory school, once their lives really start? How do they know that the job they’re doing, the major they’re taking, the person they decided to spend their life with – that all these decision were the right ones?

Because I want to know. I want to know how to make decisions, the right ones. How to wake up and just know that the road I am one is the one right for me. That when being asked if this is really where I want to be in life, I will happily say yes. That every decision I made lead up to the point where I am now and that I like it here.

But right now, it seems like I can’t do anything right.

Wordless Chance Encounter

I always try to find beauty and inspiration in every aspect of life, but still I find myself in loss of words and ideas, if it’s for a story or a new blog post, so I am trying out writing a response post to this weeks Discover Challenge, which is “Chance Encounter”. Upon reading the introduction to this topic I immediately thought about one I recently encountered, while taking the tram to my English lecture.

It was about 11 o’clock, I was minding my own business, listening to music through my IPod, when a girl entered the tram and decided to stand in front of me, minding her own business, looking at something on her phone. I was mesmerized for some strange reason. There are a lot of beautiful things to see in this world, if it’s part of nature, humanity or a product of humanity itself. What I love most about beauty is that you’ll sometimes discover it in the strangest places at unexpected times, just as I was right then. Also beauty can present itself in the most different ways, and is not only found in perfection as lots of people may think, it’s there no matter if it’s the aura of a person, their blinding smile or the way they pronounce every single word in a way that makes them even more meaningful. So I was standing there, in the tram, not able to take of my eyes of them, I assume it was a female that at least identified as a woman, and asked myself what it was about her that made me react this way.

Her features were very soft and round, her hair was rather short and was beautifully died light blue with underlying streaks of purple and slight green, it was an artwork in itself. Also her clothing wasn’t rather usual, a white beautiful blouse, a black leatherjacket paired with wide jeans that were teared open at the knees and black patent leather shoes. She wore them with some sort of coolness and self-confidence I could only wish to have one day. I wasn’t able to look at her face directly, and also her physical features were mostly hidden by her baggy clothing, but still I could make out certain aspects of her look and again I was taken aback.

I know how the presence of a person alone, their aura, can influence your perception of them, but I wasn’t talking to her and I only met her seconds ago, so my next guess was if I maybe was attracted to her. Living in a heteronormative world I did assume the moment that sexuality became important to me that I was a straight girl. With time I did learn that sexuality is something fluid, that does not have to be pinned down and may change through time. Also I have always been able to detect people that were beautiful to me without paying any attention to their sex or gender, and knowing I was attracted to men I never deeply thought about my sexuality, as I live in a rather conservative family and knowing coming out as anything else that a heterosexual would have caused a lot of drama and confusion. Also I don’t feel the need to, as I am not even sure if bisexual is exactly something I would identify as when I never even had a slightly sexual encounter with anything other than men.

With that I want to say that this may not be the first woman I met that flabbergasted me and made me think of the option of exploring my sexuality, or maybe I don’t even want to change the label queer, even after experiencing and that is okay. I don’t want to make a big deal out of something as little as “One day I want to marry a man and have kids, but I also really want to kiss that woman I met on the tram the other day.” That chance encounter may have been wordless and short, I do not even exist in the mind of that beautiful, beautiful woman most probably, but it made me think and rethink about certain things, and inspired me to answer to this challenge. Also I had yet another opportunity to encounter beauty, and that’s AWESOME!

 

Aggressive Procrastination

I am an aggressive procrastinator. What that means? Let me tell you:

You know how when you have work to do, but you don’t want do it, so you just find excuses to chill or watch TV a little longer or eventually be productive by cleaning up or just do anything that isn’t that actual thing you should be doing? It’s called procrastinating. So now there is a more intense form of that act in which you push that task away further and further until you reached the very peak – and then you still don’t do it even if you, your boss, your family and probably your neighbour’s dog know you should just get it over with. You. Just. Don’t. Do. It.

That’s me whenever I have to do something really important. My heart will literally clench in my chest because I know in how much trouble and stress I’m going to be in, but there is nothing I can do against that inner voice in my head that says “just watch the next episode. Or season. Or another whole series while you are at it.” It’s frustrating really, knowing you should really be doing something, but are not physically able to do it.

But this would be no fun if I’d just ramble about its definition with no examples, so let me show you how I aggressively procrastinate:

  • My 4 wisdom teeth should have been removed… almost 2 years pass and Im still stuck with two of them because I can’t bring myself to go to the dentist and get them removed without being able to talk  or eat properly. Helloooo, no food?? And I hate having my teeth removed, it’s just an ugly experience all in all, and I hate going to the dentist in the first place, so what’s the point??
  • Another medical thing: My ribs are kind of unsymmetrical, so the last one on the left side stands out more than the other, I know, it’s awesome -.- I asked my doc and he gave me some kind of paper for getting x-rayed and I even had one month to visit that place. You know what I did? I didn’t freaking go. I literally had time for a month to go, I “forgot” about it for a year and then I finally got x-rayed…
  • …and now that I got the results I should have gone to my doctor so he can look over them…well, that should have happened a month ago. No further comments on that one honestly…
  • I got two exams this summer that may or may not decide on my further life. You want to guess how much I studied for them? Ding-ding-ding, you got it! -Absolutely nothing! At this point I could cry, and the only reason I don’t is because it would make the whole situation too real. Meh, I should really stop talking about that, I’m nearing an existential crisis, if I’m not experiencing one right now…
  • As I am currently studying comparative literature I have to read loads, currently about 20 books and texts and I just had 2 weeks of Easter holidays. I read like 5. And this is truly ridiculous, as I loooove reading, but some of it is just truly boring and the fact that I absolutely HAVE TO READ THEM just turns on a switch in my head activates my stubbornness over nothing. Oh, my!

So these are just a couple of examples that I procrastinate over just right now! What is the longest time you pushed a task aside? What should you do right now, instead of procrastinating by reading about procrastination? Let’s end it right now, as I will get off my laptop while you go do whatever, really, I am not your mum – go read my other blogposts if you want to keep this endless circle going!

I am a feminist

I am a feminist, not an angry feminist. But I am a feminist and I am angry!

Storytime: Recently I finally got invited to an interview after writing loooots of job applications. Their bureau is as we Austrians would say “in the world’s butt” (meaning far away, mostly not near any civilisation), but I need that job desperately. So I arrived there and sit in front of three people, one of them being the big boss interviewing me. After being asked loads of pretty specific questions and me being slightly on edge towards the end I finished a rather successful job-interview with my maybe future-boss. Hurray!

Until- “Well, you seem pretty confident for a female candidate!”

Are. You. Kidding. Me. No, he was serious, but as I said, I was desperate for that easy and well-paid job and did not want to lose my opportunity by telling him that I was confident as a human being. Maybe he even wanted to test my limits I don’t know. Although his next move, which was helping me into my jacket, led me to the fact he just may be old-class or a tiny bit conservative.

I know we live in a society that has assigned gender-roles, but isn’t it our duty, as a well-informed and educated generation, to destroy those and go back to wearing what we choose to or like and act in a way we feel comfortable to? Why can’t a man help me into my jacket because he is helpful, no matter if I was a male or female?

I am a feminist and there are so many, many more things feminism is about. Not only do female workers get paid less than males, women of colour do get paid even less than white women! Transgender people do not get recognised as their true sex and gender, even after going through operations and therapies. And those are just some of the problems feminists all over the world are trying to fight and find a problem for at this point. Mostly it upsets me how badly lots of people think of feminism, as a cult or something negative in general that is about not shaving and hating men, when it is clearly not.

I do not want to explain every single time, why we all should be feminists, men, women, everyone! Why all our lives could be improved this way. And I personally am going to throw a fit if I hear for another time how women are not capable of certain things because of their nature or society. I want to play video-games without having to prove myself, I want to say “I love football” without people questioning my knowledge of such, I want to go out at night without silently repeating every trick I know for  getting out of someone’s arms and clutching my keys between my fingers.

There is so much more I could say about this topic, but we still have plenty of time and I only just begun 😉

P.S.: I did not get the job

I’m not gay, just a decent human being

 

Heya, this is not about my sexuality, as you might think. I just want to talk about the topic sexuality, as there are many different approaches to it and a lot of misconceptions. I recently started to listen to Tyler Oakley’s podcast “Psychobabble” (I highly recommend it to all who want to have a laugh while listening to the latest star gossip or deep conversations). And one thing he mentioned really stuck in my head, that allies of the LGBTQ+ community should stand up to their beliefs and show openly that they are supportive. So let me do just that and give my opinion to some major misconceptions about sexualities.

  • Misconception #1: Being gay is a choice

Let me tell you that I have read and personally listened to enough heart-breaking coming out stories or in general experiences that lots of LGBTQ+ people go through, to know that being gay in a heteronormative society is not a choice. The fear and hate some people grow up with makes children and teenagers feel so bad and out of place that in moments of weakness they either wish they were straight or never even existed in the first place and those are thoughts no kid should ever have, least of all because of their sexual orientation. Fact is they cannot change who they are or who they love and they should not be pressured to try by being sent to camps or forced to date or even have intercourse with the opposite sex. If strictly heterosexual person can’t make themselves fall in love with someone of the same gender, a homosexual can’t either, just as an aromantic/asexual person can’t fall in love or have sex with anyone.

  • Misconception #2: Being gay/bi/… is unnatural

I find it very ironic and amusing how humankind compliments itself by stating they are extremely intelligent and such an advanced race, but when it comes to cases of rape or the topic of sexuality the arguments often base on our so called instincts to procreate. They are right in one point only, it amazes me how far we have come looking at our technology and all the possibilities we have. On another hand humans can be very irrational and almost stupid. We are so many on this planet and we have knowledge about so much in these times of the internet and social networks – people cannot possibly think that it is of importance for a man to be with a woman to preserve our race? There are so many abandoned children, whose number of cases could be easily decreased by choosing to let same-sex couples marry and actually adopt children. Also as I said, no one chooses their sexuality, so there is really nothing unnatural about that. By the way, there are also lots of animals who choose a same-sex partner. So what do you want to tell me, that dolphins rebel and choose to be gay? Yeah, thought so…

  • Misconception #3: Gay people will turn my children gay/bi/…

No. Seriously what kind of logic is that? Apparently our gay Spanish teacher did not manage to turn any of my classmates gay and an openly gay friend could not prevent being homosexual by being surrounded by straight couples in school, in the TV and basically everywhere. Shouldn’t we all be heterosexual when the only thing they show us are heterosexual couples or over-sexualised men and women who have lots of meaningless intercourse with the opposite sex? As you see, it did not work because that is simply NOT how sexuality actually works. Grow up and do your research.

  • Misconception #4: Being gay/bi/… is a new and modern lifestyle

And again – RESEARCH. Having a gay relationship was not only common in ancient Greece, but often even happily seen and recommended. I have also read of cultures that considered same-sex relationships as something sacred. So don’t try to tell me people only recently found out about those sexualities or identities, as transgender. All those interpretations have existed before, only no one put an actual name on them. Those feelings could only be vaguely described and not named. Today those sexualities and identities (of gender) have names and we can actively label ourselves IF we CHOOSE to (btw – watch “The Danish Girl”, such a good movie about a trangender man in the 1920s)

I do not want to aggressively change anyone’s minds. As an ally of the LGBTQ+ community I want to learn and educate other people, no matter if it’s about what’s fact and what’s fiction or what’s bi- and what’s pansexuality. I want to show people that even if they still don’t like the idea of anything else that is not heterosexuality, there are still ways to live without offending and insulting any of your fellows. There are ways to live in harmony, we only have to listen and learn.

If anybody can find someone to love them and to help them through this difficult thing that we call life, I support that in any shape or form.

Will Smith

What Supernatural taught me…

Yes, I watch the series Supernatural. Yes, you should watch it too, it’s awesome.

But no, it’s not just fantasy and horror and totally boring. No, it still actually has a plot, even after 10 seasons. And most important of all: I finally found incredible characters I admire and learn a lot of. That’s why I want to start talking about these topics, comparing them with my own experiences and you know, just being the psychologist I am, I’ll rant a lot.

SO LET’S START!

Family don’t end with blood, but it doesn’t start there either.

What Bobby Singer wants to tell us basically is, that your friends can be your family too and your family on the other hand doesn’t have to actually BE your family. Continuing the quote through Dean Winchester, let me explain further that family doesn’t mean blood, but:

Family cares about you, not what you can do for them. Family’s there. For the good, bad, all of it. They got your back, even when it hurts.

And I don’t know about you, but I know that this description doesn’t fit on every one of my larger family. My cousin just backstabbed me, after me being awake till 1 o’clock every other night because she had problems in school or stuff she didn’t want to talk about. I was always there for her, but she used every moment with me to get false infrmation and let my family and me look bad in front of everybody else – she is not family to me. Those who did not congratulate me when I started studying, but rather didn’t talk to me because I didn’t reach their standards and expectations – they are not family to me. Those family members who would rather see me suffer than succeed – they are not and will never be family to me.

I feel bad for every child, every person that gets told how they have to be grateful for their family and love them unconditionally, when they get verbally and physically abused by them. It’s gone so far that I see people accepting their parents abusing ways to push them towards success, as them showing their love and care. And that’s definitely not okay. There will never be a good reason for your parent to hit and hurt you in any way. Or to call you names that rip you apart.

Still there is a difference between loving your parents and accepting what they did to you and loving your parents, but not accepting and tolerating what they did or do to you. I love my parents and am grateful for everything they gave me, but I’ll never forget the words that made me want to run away and never come back. I love my sisters and brothers for every time they stood up for me, for every loving memory and just being there. But truth is, that they never saw or acted on my depressions, while people that barely know me did.

Now to the other aspect: friends being family. Let me tell you, it’s not about perfect friends. Friends sometimes make mistakes and sometimes they also say he wrong things. It happens. It’s about them being by your side, no matter if you are succeeding in life or having your worst low. It’s about them helping you, without them thinking of ways you can pay them back. Friends are the family you choose because instead of being paired up with people you might not even like, you find those who love you no matter what. I always found the love of a friend being something very special. Mostly for the reason they don’t have to love you. You are not connected by blood, so there is no reason for them to love you. But they do and that is something you should cherish and hold onto and never take for granted.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my biological family from the deepest of my heart, but I know for a fact that not everybody does. And that’s completely okay.

Hi, I love you!

First and foremost: I didn’t write anything in a long time due to other more urgent things I had to do, which I feel sorry for. Writing, even if its blogs few people read and no one relates to or likes, has not only been lots of fun, but has also always been a way for me to deal with problems, stress or negative emotions, so I am going to write about something I have been confronted with lately – those three special words: I love you. And please don’t feel offended, I have an opinion that I am going to support with arguments I personally find valid.

It has been brought to my attention that there are lots of people who “fall in love at first sight” or literally say “I love you” after only weeks or months of being with another person. I am in no position to tell anybody when to tell someone they love them, but I want to present my perspective on the L-word.

For the starters: I don’t believe in love at first sight. Love means for me trust, a deeper understanding, adoration and presents a bond that connects people in a special way. You can’t create or feel that in a second. You can’t. Maybe you feel strongly attracted or you find someone extremely likeable, but it is not love, only very often confused with it. And I won’t change my mind in that matter; I will not compare the love I have for a friend I knew for 10 years and who has been with me through thick and thin with a person I just lay my eyes on, that I can see myself having sex with or maybe marry – in the probably very distant or non-existent future. It’s not going to happen.

And now to all of you who say “I love you” after weeks – how organised and non-confusing must your life be? Teach me! One psychologist may interpret the long time I take to say those words with bad relationships I had in the past, but fact is that I won’t trust anyone I have not known for a long enough time, for them to prove I can actually trust them. I need more than one weak, from their moral driven example to honestly trust a person this much, that I put myself in a very vulnerable state and tell them that I love them. You do not need to have somebody misusing your love to be certain with any future person and take your time to finally show them your love and affection. I am very confused by the concept of opening up to a person in such an intensive way, before you even know if they find you important enough to fight for, to relocate for or to change their bad habits for.

No matter if they are platonic or romantic relationships: if someone gives you their time so you can get to know them, spend time with them and create memories with them, they can also give you the time you need to tell them that you love them. And I also think that none of all this I wrote should have been written because it should be a normal thing to take your time with these personal things, but that is something to talk about another time. I should not have to explain myself and to swear that it is not a matter of distrust in human beings and their good intentions, but a matter of self-respect and self-defending. But as I said, people worth loving will undestand you and me without pushing any boundaries.

Today, I’ll be myself

It’s funny how everybody seems to know what’s wrong with me and how my future is going to look like. Seriously, everybody. “Oh, you look sad. Do you have problems at home?” “Do your parents push you too hard towards success?” “Damn, you have too many self-doubts!”

Well, thank you for the comments, didn’t notice I have a depression, duh.

It has gotten so bad, that I am thinking something is wrong with me and how can I not? When everybody is doubting you and everything you do, there is no other way than keep making mistakes you wouldn’t do when you were able to be yourself. Act and talk like yourself. I’d love to turn back time and change some things. Things I said, things I did and most of all those times I was weak in front of so many people because now that’s what everybody associates with me: weakness. But I can’t and I keep on trying to change that image, but somehow I can’t because something like that cannot be erased out of most people’s minds. And I’m sick of it.

Those damn images are the reasons we think we have to be a certain way. All of your relatives think you are the cute little girl that spends all her time in school or the library, even if you don’t? Who cares about them? – Be rebellious, sneak out of the window! Stand up for yourself, ask your boss for that promotion, whatever, don’t be the image that others have of you. Be YOU, act like YOU would and say what YOU want to say. Life is too short to be someone else than yourself, so don’t.

There will always be someone who brings you down, always someone who closes their eyes while you success to only focus on your failure, always someone who doesn’t like the way you are (and I’m sorry about my harsh expression, but-) SCREW THEM!

You do you and everything else is not important. Believe me, maybe you don’t feel this way right now, but one day you will wake up to be a person you won’t recognize anymore and that you need to change.

Change the way you live to the way you are before it’s too late.

I am fine

I am sure there are enough tumblr posts explaining the deeper meaning behind that sentence. “I am fine”, as in “I am totally not, but you don’t want to hear it anyway”.

Well, do you?

How many times have you asked a person for his or her wellbeing, just to be polite and act like a good person would? Because ‘I am fine’ is just as mainstream as ‘everything alright?’ or ‘How are you?’ and our lips became numb to it. Let’s be real, most of the time we don’t even want to know what kind of hell this person is going through because we are fighting our own demons. So don’t bother asking.

I am serious.

If you expect an halfarsed ‘I am fine.’ or ‘Everything is alright, I am just tired.’ that you are not going to question, don’t waste your and their time. That person obviously has a lot on their mind and doesn’t need to lie to someone’s face again and again without being able to find someone, who does not only see that something is wrong, but also is not afraid to be confronted with it. That’s the only thing most of the people need – a good cry, a nice talk and a movie or ice-cream (or both) afterwards.

And if you can’t do that, you obviously don’t care enough for that friend. Do it, say that you know what’s going on, take a walk together, or just sit silently next to each other. JUST SOMETHING! We all need someone to show us they care. Be that one person.