My plans for becoming a cat-lady

Hi there! I guess I just start right off as always: I will never find my significant other. No, I am not a frustrated virgin that is seeking attention! Okay, right, I am not seeking attention… But point is, I am not sure I will ever find the right person to spend my life with.

I am young, too young to think about a proper relationship that will lead to a happy life ever after. Still I can’t forget about the kind of insult my sister threw at me (again), that I would never find a willing man to marry. Normally I’d say, that I’ll die alone then. This time I just rolled my eyes and continued my works. Still it made me think.

Yes, we are all special in our own ways, but believe me when I tell you I am special in my weird, kind of annoying, sometimes cute, but also maddening kind of way. It’s already hard for me to find really good friends that truly know and love me for who I am (or at least tolerate it, who am I kidding) – how am I going to find a man who would like to have sex with me on top of all that?? Yes, my first world problems are nothing compared to things the rest of the world has to deal with, especially these couple of weeks, but let me just ramble on about my non-existent love-life, which is going to stay that way for probably a very long time.

I had one “serious” relationship, but I was 15 and had too big of a crush to realize what kind of boring idiot that guy was. Yes, we went on dates and made out, but it wasn’t exciting in any way and I never felt like I could open up to him about anything. He just didn’t understand me. The only reason we stayed together for a year was because after a while I didn’t even try to see him more often, sometimes I would have forgotten I had a boyfriend (just mentally, I never was unfaithful in any way). Finally I broke up with him, when I asked him if he wanted this too, he said, “I don’t know, whatever you want.” That was the moment I knew for sure he didn’t care the slightest about me anymore and I broke up with him. I even shed a tear because I have spent a year of time and energy on that dumbass. *sigh* the cute people I could have made out with in that time… *SIIIGH*

And here I am now, at university, where most people seem to be in committed relationships and I try to look and act like a more mature woman while I still cannot let go of my Hello Kitty socks and Destiel. How do people even get on dates? I don’t go out that often, which does not help, but even if people that dance with me or seem interested that night, mostly don’t even bother to give me their phone number as if they already knew there is nothing going to happen between us furthermore. I just need a chance to show that deep down I am a very lovely person… no, really, I am a nice one.

Well, well I guess I have to keep saying how happy I am being an independent single woman that could have just anyone, right? Hey, maybe I’ll even find it to be nice being single, who knows. My friend told me about that cat-café on the other hand, a café with cats basically, so let’s check that out! 😉

What Supernatural taught me…

Yes, I watch the series Supernatural. Yes, you should watch it too, it’s awesome.

But no, it’s not just fantasy and horror and totally boring. No, it still actually has a plot, even after 10 seasons. And most important of all: I finally found incredible characters I admire and learn a lot of. That’s why I want to start talking about these topics, comparing them with my own experiences and you know, just being the psychologist I am, I’ll rant a lot.

SO LET’S START!

Family don’t end with blood, but it doesn’t start there either.

What Bobby Singer wants to tell us basically is, that your friends can be your family too and your family on the other hand doesn’t have to actually BE your family. Continuing the quote through Dean Winchester, let me explain further that family doesn’t mean blood, but:

Family cares about you, not what you can do for them. Family’s there. For the good, bad, all of it. They got your back, even when it hurts.

And I don’t know about you, but I know that this description doesn’t fit on every one of my larger family. My cousin just backstabbed me, after me being awake till 1 o’clock every other night because she had problems in school or stuff she didn’t want to talk about. I was always there for her, but she used every moment with me to get false infrmation and let my family and me look bad in front of everybody else – she is not family to me. Those who did not congratulate me when I started studying, but rather didn’t talk to me because I didn’t reach their standards and expectations – they are not family to me. Those family members who would rather see me suffer than succeed – they are not and will never be family to me.

I feel bad for every child, every person that gets told how they have to be grateful for their family and love them unconditionally, when they get verbally and physically abused by them. It’s gone so far that I see people accepting their parents abusing ways to push them towards success, as them showing their love and care. And that’s definitely not okay. There will never be a good reason for your parent to hit and hurt you in any way. Or to call you names that rip you apart.

Still there is a difference between loving your parents and accepting what they did to you and loving your parents, but not accepting and tolerating what they did or do to you. I love my parents and am grateful for everything they gave me, but I’ll never forget the words that made me want to run away and never come back. I love my sisters and brothers for every time they stood up for me, for every loving memory and just being there. But truth is, that they never saw or acted on my depressions, while people that barely know me did.

Now to the other aspect: friends being family. Let me tell you, it’s not about perfect friends. Friends sometimes make mistakes and sometimes they also say he wrong things. It happens. It’s about them being by your side, no matter if you are succeeding in life or having your worst low. It’s about them helping you, without them thinking of ways you can pay them back. Friends are the family you choose because instead of being paired up with people you might not even like, you find those who love you no matter what. I always found the love of a friend being something very special. Mostly for the reason they don’t have to love you. You are not connected by blood, so there is no reason for them to love you. But they do and that is something you should cherish and hold onto and never take for granted.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my biological family from the deepest of my heart, but I know for a fact that not everybody does. And that’s completely okay.

Hi, I love you!

First and foremost: I didn’t write anything in a long time due to other more urgent things I had to do, which I feel sorry for. Writing, even if its blogs few people read and no one relates to or likes, has not only been lots of fun, but has also always been a way for me to deal with problems, stress or negative emotions, so I am going to write about something I have been confronted with lately – those three special words: I love you. And please don’t feel offended, I have an opinion that I am going to support with arguments I personally find valid.

It has been brought to my attention that there are lots of people who “fall in love at first sight” or literally say “I love you” after only weeks or months of being with another person. I am in no position to tell anybody when to tell someone they love them, but I want to present my perspective on the L-word.

For the starters: I don’t believe in love at first sight. Love means for me trust, a deeper understanding, adoration and presents a bond that connects people in a special way. You can’t create or feel that in a second. You can’t. Maybe you feel strongly attracted or you find someone extremely likeable, but it is not love, only very often confused with it. And I won’t change my mind in that matter; I will not compare the love I have for a friend I knew for 10 years and who has been with me through thick and thin with a person I just lay my eyes on, that I can see myself having sex with or maybe marry – in the probably very distant or non-existent future. It’s not going to happen.

And now to all of you who say “I love you” after weeks – how organised and non-confusing must your life be? Teach me! One psychologist may interpret the long time I take to say those words with bad relationships I had in the past, but fact is that I won’t trust anyone I have not known for a long enough time, for them to prove I can actually trust them. I need more than one weak, from their moral driven example to honestly trust a person this much, that I put myself in a very vulnerable state and tell them that I love them. You do not need to have somebody misusing your love to be certain with any future person and take your time to finally show them your love and affection. I am very confused by the concept of opening up to a person in such an intensive way, before you even know if they find you important enough to fight for, to relocate for or to change their bad habits for.

No matter if they are platonic or romantic relationships: if someone gives you their time so you can get to know them, spend time with them and create memories with them, they can also give you the time you need to tell them that you love them. And I also think that none of all this I wrote should have been written because it should be a normal thing to take your time with these personal things, but that is something to talk about another time. I should not have to explain myself and to swear that it is not a matter of distrust in human beings and their good intentions, but a matter of self-respect and self-defending. But as I said, people worth loving will undestand you and me without pushing any boundaries.