People you meet in a library

Recently I finally got a job at a departmental library. I am incredibly happy! I have been looking for so long and I would have never guessed that my first ever job would be one I actually really love doing! I work two days a week for 5 hours, which is a reasonable time and I get paid well, so I couldn’t be happier with my working place. I am actually writing this blog from the computer at the library, so you see I have all the freedom in the world!

Working here for about two months I met lots of different kinds of people in a short time span. While the ones I am working with are incredibly nice and helpful, I had short encounters with some that made me think a lot about human nature… So here are the kinds of people that visit the library!

  • The coffee junkie (or the “seriously-I-need-this-cup-of-coffee-right-now person”

It’s the same woman every time. Fluid beverages that are not in a bottle are not allowed inside the library. No cups, mugs or bowls. This is an official rule. She damn well knows that rule because we remind her every week that, “I’m sorry madam; you cannot take that cup of coffee with you!” Every time she turns on her heels, with a half shocked, half indignant look on her face saying, “What? Really? Can’t we make an exception?” That is the moment me and my colleague would like to sigh loudly and scream no, but we calmly tell her why it’s not possible. The next argument usually is, “But I really need it!”. Now all I am thinking about saying is, how she can pour it up her ass (pardon my language!), but I do actually manage to keep it to myself and insist that she just can’t do that. Every time.

  • The Speedie Gonzales (or the “rushing-in-‘n-rushing-out” person)

Some people are in such a rush they completely forget their manners. I’ve had people rushing into the library, hissing, “I want to return this book.” and sprinting out again. Well, jokes on them, because they brought it back late and as long as they don’t pay back the money they won’t get any more books. Ha-ha indeed! Seriously now, I have been in a rush lots of times, I was stressed out, but I wouldn’t dream about talking to a stranger, who didn’t do anything wrong, in an utterly disrespectful tone, throwing things at them that don’t even rightfully belong to me! That is no way to treat any human being, really, no matter if stranger or not!

  • The lazy person (or the I-could-but-I-won’t-isn’t-this-your-job?” person)

I cannot stand these. They walk into the library, with thousands of booktitles they are looking for and think they can do this by giving us the list so we cn go search them. No. And no, this is not my job. I may show you where and how you can find these books online and borrow them too, but that’s how far it goes. I am not here to do your research homework. I will not walk around looking for these books and I will not listen to you telling me what my job is. I know it. I got the thingy that makes beepy sounds; I know what I’m doing, thank you!

  • The steady customer (or the “I-know-what-I’m-doing-and-I-won’t-bother-you-more-than-necessary” person)

I love these people. They make my day. They know the rules of the library, they know how to do stuff and they are mostly very nice and won’t bother you with simple questions because they already know. They get their key to put their bags and jackets in, they know not to take a cup of tea or coffee to go with them in the library, they know how to use the computer and search engines. These people are like wonderful fairies that fly into the library and leave bursts of glitter behind them as they go again.

All in all I can say that I very much enjoy my job and working place and can’t wait to learn more and improve myself. There are still so many kinds of people to meet in a library and I can’t wait to make these new experiences.

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I can’t do anything right

How do people even manage their lives? How do they manage to manage their lives? How do they know what they want to do once thy finished obligatory school, once their lives really start? How do they know that the job they’re doing, the major they’re taking, the person they decided to spend their life with – that all these decision were the right ones?

Because I want to know. I want to know how to make decisions, the right ones. How to wake up and just know that the road I am one is the one right for me. That when being asked if this is really where I want to be in life, I will happily say yes. That every decision I made lead up to the point where I am now and that I like it here.

But right now, it seems like I can’t do anything right.

Wordless Chance Encounter

I always try to find beauty and inspiration in every aspect of life, but still I find myself in loss of words and ideas, if it’s for a story or a new blog post, so I am trying out writing a response post to this weeks Discover Challenge, which is “Chance Encounter”. Upon reading the introduction to this topic I immediately thought about one I recently encountered, while taking the tram to my English lecture.

It was about 11 o’clock, I was minding my own business, listening to music through my IPod, when a girl entered the tram and decided to stand in front of me, minding her own business, looking at something on her phone. I was mesmerized for some strange reason. There are a lot of beautiful things to see in this world, if it’s part of nature, humanity or a product of humanity itself. What I love most about beauty is that you’ll sometimes discover it in the strangest places at unexpected times, just as I was right then. Also beauty can present itself in the most different ways, and is not only found in perfection as lots of people may think, it’s there no matter if it’s the aura of a person, their blinding smile or the way they pronounce every single word in a way that makes them even more meaningful. So I was standing there, in the tram, not able to take of my eyes of them, I assume it was a female that at least identified as a woman, and asked myself what it was about her that made me react this way.

Her features were very soft and round, her hair was rather short and was beautifully died light blue with underlying streaks of purple and slight green, it was an artwork in itself. Also her clothing wasn’t rather usual, a white beautiful blouse, a black leatherjacket paired with wide jeans that were teared open at the knees and black patent leather shoes. She wore them with some sort of coolness and self-confidence I could only wish to have one day. I wasn’t able to look at her face directly, and also her physical features were mostly hidden by her baggy clothing, but still I could make out certain aspects of her look and again I was taken aback.

I know how the presence of a person alone, their aura, can influence your perception of them, but I wasn’t talking to her and I only met her seconds ago, so my next guess was if I maybe was attracted to her. Living in a heteronormative world I did assume the moment that sexuality became important to me that I was a straight girl. With time I did learn that sexuality is something fluid, that does not have to be pinned down and may change through time. Also I have always been able to detect people that were beautiful to me without paying any attention to their sex or gender, and knowing I was attracted to men I never deeply thought about my sexuality, as I live in a rather conservative family and knowing coming out as anything else that a heterosexual would have caused a lot of drama and confusion. Also I don’t feel the need to, as I am not even sure if bisexual is exactly something I would identify as when I never even had a slightly sexual encounter with anything other than men.

With that I want to say that this may not be the first woman I met that flabbergasted me and made me think of the option of exploring my sexuality, or maybe I don’t even want to change the label queer, even after experiencing and that is okay. I don’t want to make a big deal out of something as little as “One day I want to marry a man and have kids, but I also really want to kiss that woman I met on the tram the other day.” That chance encounter may have been wordless and short, I do not even exist in the mind of that beautiful, beautiful woman most probably, but it made me think and rethink about certain things, and inspired me to answer to this challenge. Also I had yet another opportunity to encounter beauty, and that’s AWESOME!

 

Aggressive Procrastination

I am an aggressive procrastinator. What that means? Let me tell you:

You know how when you have work to do, but you don’t want do it, so you just find excuses to chill or watch TV a little longer or eventually be productive by cleaning up or just do anything that isn’t that actual thing you should be doing? It’s called procrastinating. So now there is a more intense form of that act in which you push that task away further and further until you reached the very peak – and then you still don’t do it even if you, your boss, your family and probably your neighbour’s dog know you should just get it over with. You. Just. Don’t. Do. It.

That’s me whenever I have to do something really important. My heart will literally clench in my chest because I know in how much trouble and stress I’m going to be in, but there is nothing I can do against that inner voice in my head that says “just watch the next episode. Or season. Or another whole series while you are at it.” It’s frustrating really, knowing you should really be doing something, but are not physically able to do it.

But this would be no fun if I’d just ramble about its definition with no examples, so let me show you how I aggressively procrastinate:

  • My 4 wisdom teeth should have been removed… almost 2 years pass and Im still stuck with two of them because I can’t bring myself to go to the dentist and get them removed without being able to talk  or eat properly. Helloooo, no food?? And I hate having my teeth removed, it’s just an ugly experience all in all, and I hate going to the dentist in the first place, so what’s the point??
  • Another medical thing: My ribs are kind of unsymmetrical, so the last one on the left side stands out more than the other, I know, it’s awesome -.- I asked my doc and he gave me some kind of paper for getting x-rayed and I even had one month to visit that place. You know what I did? I didn’t freaking go. I literally had time for a month to go, I “forgot” about it for a year and then I finally got x-rayed…
  • …and now that I got the results I should have gone to my doctor so he can look over them…well, that should have happened a month ago. No further comments on that one honestly…
  • I got two exams this summer that may or may not decide on my further life. You want to guess how much I studied for them? Ding-ding-ding, you got it! -Absolutely nothing! At this point I could cry, and the only reason I don’t is because it would make the whole situation too real. Meh, I should really stop talking about that, I’m nearing an existential crisis, if I’m not experiencing one right now…
  • As I am currently studying comparative literature I have to read loads, currently about 20 books and texts and I just had 2 weeks of Easter holidays. I read like 5. And this is truly ridiculous, as I loooove reading, but some of it is just truly boring and the fact that I absolutely HAVE TO READ THEM just turns on a switch in my head activates my stubbornness over nothing. Oh, my!

So these are just a couple of examples that I procrastinate over just right now! What is the longest time you pushed a task aside? What should you do right now, instead of procrastinating by reading about procrastination? Let’s end it right now, as I will get off my laptop while you go do whatever, really, I am not your mum – go read my other blogposts if you want to keep this endless circle going!

My insecurities: Friends

Heya, so there is this thing about me and my whole lot of insecurities. I was always a pretty happy child. I mean I have a couple of dark spots tainting my childhood, but I was happy with myself. I don’t know when exactly, but along the way of growing up into a teenager, I started looking at me – my personality and my body with a critical look and the base of it was the impossible standards for them set by a cruel society.

Today is not the day I want to talk about body images, but my way of handling platonic relationships: friends. I like having people around me, I love hanging out with my friends, but finding them and getting to know them is one of the scariest processes for me. I try not to give it away, but the first days of university I was full of fear of not being accepted by anyone, as I just have finished school and tried to start new and finally go back to find out who I truly was, instead of being defined by others and what they thought of me.

One of the things people told me before my first day at university was, “Remember, it’s their first day too, they also want to find friends, just as bad as you do.” – while this should have been comforting, for me it sounded like this, “Some poor souls that will accidently befriend with you in their haste, will have to either distance themselves from you later on or they are stuck with you even if they don’t really want to. Good for you!” It did not come to my mind that yes, maybe there are people outside who don’t only spend time with me because they have known me for so much time that it seems right to stay in touch with me. That yes, it was possible for someone to stay and spend time with me because I seem like a decent person to them that they like. Seems weird, but it happened.

What I need when I meet new people is them reminding me that they want me. Well, this sounded sexual, sorry for that. But really, I like to know that I am actually welcome to stay in a conversation or whatever, even if it’s just by being included actively. The easiest way is really just proposing a meet-up or activities. It’s nice to see that someone cares enough to not wait for you to make the first move, no matter if it’s in a romantic or in a friendly relationship. I am a very easily pleased person – take me to the park, the theatre, a cafe, your flat, whatever it is: I will enjoy my time spent with a good friend no matter what circumstances.

Another way is to tell me. We all really should tell those around us more often how much we appreciate them and that we like their company. Nothing brings more happiness than a sincere compliment that comes from the heart and makes others feel wanted and happy. Sometimes I loose myself in my uncertainty and totally forget that other people want my “approval” and love too and it may take time, but I will let you know soon enough that I appreciate and like you if that’s the case. I guess I forget to let people know I like having them around me because I don’t understand how they could ever feel uncertain about themselves, insecure or even unwanted because I see my friends as incredible humans that only deserve the best. Thinking about how they don’t see that just seems very absurd to me somehow.

I managed to keep contact with those friends that are dear to my heart even after graduation. Some I meet regularly, others are often busy with school or university but we text and meet every now and then, and then there are those who call or text every once in a while and you can’t really be mad at them because they make you smile and laugh, as if the last time you heard from them wasn’t over a month ago. Not only that, but I found new friends during my time at university too (I know, I was JUST as surprised). They are not many, but I can proudly say that they are my own personal choice of friends and I’d like to keep each of them, as different as they are. The funny thing is by the way, how different friends fit with the different aspects of your personality or hobbies you may have, so your circle of friends can be really diverse and that I find beautiful.

So where am I going with this post you may ask yourself now. Well, I’m making this up as I go so what about this: it’s hard to get rid of insecurities – really hard, but here I am making new friends and rather comfortably telling people what I expect from our relationship. You could say I am progressing, and not only try to take care of myself, but also be a better friend for those I care. I’ll try my best. I may need the confirmation from my friends that they actually want to spend time with me, and sometimes it is very difficult for me to voice out this insecurity as it may seem to other people that I want them to commit to me while all I need is the right amount of “I like having you around and I actually want to spend my time with you” so I do not feel unwanted. Yes, I can’t help it, don’t judge me.

My New Year’s Resolutions

I don’t particularly like New Year’s resolutions. They always felt like obligations, a contract that you sign with yourself, so in July you feel like you have failed because you were too motivated on New Year’s Eve and set impossible goals for yourself. So what I am going to do is set some unsettled ideas and aims for myself that I can accomplish without putting myself in any danger, as starving at the end of December to lose those extra pounds as quickly as possible – here we go:

– Be fit and healthy

I am trying to love my body as it is, plus the love handles and the scars and what not, but it is very important for me to not lose control over my body and weight as I see some in my family now struggling with different problems concerning their heart and joints and I do not want to end up there. I already started to reduce the size of the portions I eat, so my body does not even realize that i eats less, I drink more water and even try to cut down the sweets (there were to many birthdays including cakes this December…)

– Meet and stay more with people that make me happy

I found out that most people I had to endure talking to and hang out with in school didn’t even fit into my picture of a friend or people I like. Since then I completely distanced myself from them and only stayed with those that I either like or that want to invest their energy in our friendship. I had honest talks asking those people I actually wanted to stay in touch with if they wanted to stay friends and literally didn’t care about the rest. I got so tired and sad after these years of depression I could not imagine myself keeping up a charade for people I do not even care about. I want to be happy and spend time with people that can make that happen.

– Get to know different people and learn from them

I am an open-minded person I like to think, but I recently thought about how my circle of friendship is not that diverse. I mean, I have friends from different cultures and households, but they mostly grew up in rather similar surroundings under similar circumstances having akin experiences. I want to learn and hear other people’s stories, and believe me, if it wasn’t for the fact I would come off as a creep I would just start conversations with complete strangers to learn more about them and their way to live. I will figure that point out along the way I guess.

– Put myself first and not feel guilty about things that aren’t my fault

I really love to help others and make their lives easier, but I often forget in the process to take care of myself first and then I feel guilty for not being able to help someone and that is not okay. Everyone should look out for themselves first before taking care of someone else. Also people think they can take advantage of me by my guilt driven mind and this should really stop, it’s driving me crazy!

– Influence the people around me in a positive way

I already did that a bit by showing three of my cousins the joys of reading books and they thanked me for it, when I didn’t even do it intentionally! It made me extremely happy, and I saw an opportunity to do this, influence people or even just make them happier or think about certain topics critically. Living in a rather conservative family my top priority are them and people in my direct area, as I know I can’t change the world in a year. My main focus lies in making them at least less sexist, racist or homophobic. If you grew up where these are unfortunately normal attitudes you also know how it is to grind your teeth while your uncle or someone else is offensive at family dinner because your parents don’t want you to throw a fit. Enough of that. I will open my mouth even more often in this year and educate people around me to live a non-offensive and tolerant life. I know it’s harder with adults, but at least I want their kids to learn something from it. I hope I will have success with that one, as it is something I strongly care about.

– Be happy with me and my choices                                                                    

I still have to think about what I truly want to study and work as later on, so I hope this is going to be the year I will find this out and start working towards a future I chose BY MYSELF, FOR MYSELF

Ottermann - Tagebuch (rot)These are some special kind of diaries (that one is in german). Instead of being forced to come up with what to write in long paragraphs every day, this diary was designed to be filled out by you. There are a couple of different forms in which you tick off how you felt today, draw a graph of how happy or productive you have been, who you have met and much more. Firstly I got it to change my life to the positive and improve myself, so on the first page all the “resolutions” are listed and I can always keep in check if I make any progress. I love it!

So finally, to me and you, the one reading this: I wish us an incredible and happy year. Go have a Cookie or something, you are awesome!

My plans for becoming a cat-lady

Hi there! I guess I just start right off as always: I will never find my significant other. No, I am not a frustrated virgin that is seeking attention! Okay, right, I am not seeking attention… But point is, I am not sure I will ever find the right person to spend my life with.

I am young, too young to think about a proper relationship that will lead to a happy life ever after. Still I can’t forget about the kind of insult my sister threw at me (again), that I would never find a willing man to marry. Normally I’d say, that I’ll die alone then. This time I just rolled my eyes and continued my works. Still it made me think.

Yes, we are all special in our own ways, but believe me when I tell you I am special in my weird, kind of annoying, sometimes cute, but also maddening kind of way. It’s already hard for me to find really good friends that truly know and love me for who I am (or at least tolerate it, who am I kidding) – how am I going to find a man who would like to have sex with me on top of all that?? Yes, my first world problems are nothing compared to things the rest of the world has to deal with, especially these couple of weeks, but let me just ramble on about my non-existent love-life, which is going to stay that way for probably a very long time.

I had one “serious” relationship, but I was 15 and had too big of a crush to realize what kind of boring idiot that guy was. Yes, we went on dates and made out, but it wasn’t exciting in any way and I never felt like I could open up to him about anything. He just didn’t understand me. The only reason we stayed together for a year was because after a while I didn’t even try to see him more often, sometimes I would have forgotten I had a boyfriend (just mentally, I never was unfaithful in any way). Finally I broke up with him, when I asked him if he wanted this too, he said, “I don’t know, whatever you want.” That was the moment I knew for sure he didn’t care the slightest about me anymore and I broke up with him. I even shed a tear because I have spent a year of time and energy on that dumbass. *sigh* the cute people I could have made out with in that time… *SIIIGH*

And here I am now, at university, where most people seem to be in committed relationships and I try to look and act like a more mature woman while I still cannot let go of my Hello Kitty socks and Destiel. How do people even get on dates? I don’t go out that often, which does not help, but even if people that dance with me or seem interested that night, mostly don’t even bother to give me their phone number as if they already knew there is nothing going to happen between us furthermore. I just need a chance to show that deep down I am a very lovely person… no, really, I am a nice one.

Well, well I guess I have to keep saying how happy I am being an independent single woman that could have just anyone, right? Hey, maybe I’ll even find it to be nice being single, who knows. My friend told me about that cat-café on the other hand, a café with cats basically, so let’s check that out! 😉

Welcome to the 21. Century!

Hello there! Welcome to a world where the human race is somewhere in between being open and tolerant towards others and totally closed up and conservative. If you ask why, you live under a rock. Watch the news.

Here is a personal story that, yes, is not that important, thinking about the fact racism and homophobia still exists, but still shocked me somehow.

The other day I wanted to walk into the building I live in, when I spotted a neighbour I don’t really talk to, but still see every now and then. So I did want to hold the door open for him. I, a young lady, holding the door open for a young man. Didn’t bother me in any way, until he said “No, it is alright”. I thought I didn’t hear him correctly and insisted on him walking into the building. Afterwards he did say thank you, adding “Normally it’s the other way around, haha” and I responded “Well, we do also live in the 21. Century, so.” I should not have to add that this was the most awkward elevator ride I have ever experienced. Adding a tight-lipped smile to my comment I stayed silent for the whole ride. I was offended. He was offended. It was awkward.

For heavens and hells sake, why would anybody feel offended if somebody holds the door open for them? Did I somehow attacked your masculinity, young man? Do you feel sterilised because a lady held the door open for you? Well, then I have to tell you that I enjoyed destroying your conservative look on the world and society, because I WOULD DO IT AGAIN, MUAHAHAHAHA!!!

Okay, let’s get serious again.

I do know that it was common for a woman to walk behind men and to let them hold doors open for her, but didn’t we already grown as humans? Does society still think a woman is not capable to take care of anything? How do you expect the next generations to accept women in every job sector, as equal to men and as strong enough to make their own decisions, if we won’t accept a woman to hold the door open for a man when the situation is given?

I want to live in a world where a man holds the door open for me and vice-versa, not thinking what an awesome gentleman he is, but because he is a human being as much as I am and it is a form of politeness and respect. Yes, it is nice to get invited to dinner where you don’t have to pay, but I will never assume it (by the way: who invites mostly pays, unless stated or agreed otherwise). Yes, you should help someone, no matter what sex or gender, when they are having difficulties carrying heavy bags or something. And yes, even as a man you should offer your help to a man. I know the “Bro-Codex”, it is okay. Really, bro, really!

To any future “men-I-will-hold-the-door-open-for”: if you feel offended by a female that holds the door open for you, start looking for your confidence that has been buried, when society threw their standards on what “real men” have to be like on you. I feel sorry for you being raised in that way, just as many other men and women, but it is on you now to educate yourself and make a difference. I hope you make the right choices.

(Wow, that escalated quickly ^^)