Wordless Chance Encounter

I always try to find beauty and inspiration in every aspect of life, but still I find myself in loss of words and ideas, if it’s for a story or a new blog post, so I am trying out writing a response post to this weeks Discover Challenge, which is “Chance Encounter”. Upon reading the introduction to this topic I immediately thought about one I recently encountered, while taking the tram to my English lecture.

It was about 11 o’clock, I was minding my own business, listening to music through my IPod, when a girl entered the tram and decided to stand in front of me, minding her own business, looking at something on her phone. I was mesmerized for some strange reason. There are a lot of beautiful things to see in this world, if it’s part of nature, humanity or a product of humanity itself. What I love most about beauty is that you’ll sometimes discover it in the strangest places at unexpected times, just as I was right then. Also beauty can present itself in the most different ways, and is not only found in perfection as lots of people may think, it’s there no matter if it’s the aura of a person, their blinding smile or the way they pronounce every single word in a way that makes them even more meaningful. So I was standing there, in the tram, not able to take of my eyes of them, I assume it was a female that at least identified as a woman, and asked myself what it was about her that made me react this way.

Her features were very soft and round, her hair was rather short and was beautifully died light blue with underlying streaks of purple and slight green, it was an artwork in itself. Also her clothing wasn’t rather usual, a white beautiful blouse, a black leatherjacket paired with wide jeans that were teared open at the knees and black patent leather shoes. She wore them with some sort of coolness and self-confidence I could only wish to have one day. I wasn’t able to look at her face directly, and also her physical features were mostly hidden by her baggy clothing, but still I could make out certain aspects of her look and again I was taken aback.

I know how the presence of a person alone, their aura, can influence your perception of them, but I wasn’t talking to her and I only met her seconds ago, so my next guess was if I maybe was attracted to her. Living in a heteronormative world I did assume the moment that sexuality became important to me that I was a straight girl. With time I did learn that sexuality is something fluid, that does not have to be pinned down and may change through time. Also I have always been able to detect people that were beautiful to me without paying any attention to their sex or gender, and knowing I was attracted to men I never deeply thought about my sexuality, as I live in a rather conservative family and knowing coming out as anything else that a heterosexual would have caused a lot of drama and confusion. Also I don’t feel the need to, as I am not even sure if bisexual is exactly something I would identify as when I never even had a slightly sexual encounter with anything other than men.

With that I want to say that this may not be the first woman I met that flabbergasted me and made me think of the option of exploring my sexuality, or maybe I don’t even want to change the label queer, even after experiencing and that is okay. I don’t want to make a big deal out of something as little as “One day I want to marry a man and have kids, but I also really want to kiss that woman I met on the tram the other day.” That chance encounter may have been wordless and short, I do not even exist in the mind of that beautiful, beautiful woman most probably, but it made me think and rethink about certain things, and inspired me to answer to this challenge. Also I had yet another opportunity to encounter beauty, and that’s AWESOME!

 

Aggressive Procrastination

I am an aggressive procrastinator. What that means? Let me tell you:

You know how when you have work to do, but you don’t want do it, so you just find excuses to chill or watch TV a little longer or eventually be productive by cleaning up or just do anything that isn’t that actual thing you should be doing? It’s called procrastinating. So now there is a more intense form of that act in which you push that task away further and further until you reached the very peak – and then you still don’t do it even if you, your boss, your family and probably your neighbour’s dog know you should just get it over with. You. Just. Don’t. Do. It.

That’s me whenever I have to do something really important. My heart will literally clench in my chest because I know in how much trouble and stress I’m going to be in, but there is nothing I can do against that inner voice in my head that says “just watch the next episode. Or season. Or another whole series while you are at it.” It’s frustrating really, knowing you should really be doing something, but are not physically able to do it.

But this would be no fun if I’d just ramble about its definition with no examples, so let me show you how I aggressively procrastinate:

  • My 4 wisdom teeth should have been removed… almost 2 years pass and Im still stuck with two of them because I can’t bring myself to go to the dentist and get them removed without being able to talk  or eat properly. Helloooo, no food?? And I hate having my teeth removed, it’s just an ugly experience all in all, and I hate going to the dentist in the first place, so what’s the point??
  • Another medical thing: My ribs are kind of unsymmetrical, so the last one on the left side stands out more than the other, I know, it’s awesome -.- I asked my doc and he gave me some kind of paper for getting x-rayed and I even had one month to visit that place. You know what I did? I didn’t freaking go. I literally had time for a month to go, I “forgot” about it for a year and then I finally got x-rayed…
  • …and now that I got the results I should have gone to my doctor so he can look over them…well, that should have happened a month ago. No further comments on that one honestly…
  • I got two exams this summer that may or may not decide on my further life. You want to guess how much I studied for them? Ding-ding-ding, you got it! -Absolutely nothing! At this point I could cry, and the only reason I don’t is because it would make the whole situation too real. Meh, I should really stop talking about that, I’m nearing an existential crisis, if I’m not experiencing one right now…
  • As I am currently studying comparative literature I have to read loads, currently about 20 books and texts and I just had 2 weeks of Easter holidays. I read like 5. And this is truly ridiculous, as I loooove reading, but some of it is just truly boring and the fact that I absolutely HAVE TO READ THEM just turns on a switch in my head activates my stubbornness over nothing. Oh, my!

So these are just a couple of examples that I procrastinate over just right now! What is the longest time you pushed a task aside? What should you do right now, instead of procrastinating by reading about procrastination? Let’s end it right now, as I will get off my laptop while you go do whatever, really, I am not your mum – go read my other blogposts if you want to keep this endless circle going!

I am a feminist

I am a feminist, not an angry feminist. But I am a feminist and I am angry!

Storytime: Recently I finally got invited to an interview after writing loooots of job applications. Their bureau is as we Austrians would say “in the world’s butt” (meaning far away, mostly not near any civilisation), but I need that job desperately. So I arrived there and sit in front of three people, one of them being the big boss interviewing me. After being asked loads of pretty specific questions and me being slightly on edge towards the end I finished a rather successful job-interview with my maybe future-boss. Hurray!

Until- “Well, you seem pretty confident for a female candidate!”

Are. You. Kidding. Me. No, he was serious, but as I said, I was desperate for that easy and well-paid job and did not want to lose my opportunity by telling him that I was confident as a human being. Maybe he even wanted to test my limits I don’t know. Although his next move, which was helping me into my jacket, led me to the fact he just may be old-class or a tiny bit conservative.

I know we live in a society that has assigned gender-roles, but isn’t it our duty, as a well-informed and educated generation, to destroy those and go back to wearing what we choose to or like and act in a way we feel comfortable to? Why can’t a man help me into my jacket because he is helpful, no matter if I was a male or female?

I am a feminist and there are so many, many more things feminism is about. Not only do female workers get paid less than males, women of colour do get paid even less than white women! Transgender people do not get recognised as their true sex and gender, even after going through operations and therapies. And those are just some of the problems feminists all over the world are trying to fight and find a problem for at this point. Mostly it upsets me how badly lots of people think of feminism, as a cult or something negative in general that is about not shaving and hating men, when it is clearly not.

I do not want to explain every single time, why we all should be feminists, men, women, everyone! Why all our lives could be improved this way. And I personally am going to throw a fit if I hear for another time how women are not capable of certain things because of their nature or society. I want to play video-games without having to prove myself, I want to say “I love football” without people questioning my knowledge of such, I want to go out at night without silently repeating every trick I know for  getting out of someone’s arms and clutching my keys between my fingers.

There is so much more I could say about this topic, but we still have plenty of time and I only just begun 😉

P.S.: I did not get the job

I’m not gay, just a decent human being

 

Heya, this is not about my sexuality, as you might think. I just want to talk about the topic sexuality, as there are many different approaches to it and a lot of misconceptions. I recently started to listen to Tyler Oakley’s podcast “Psychobabble” (I highly recommend it to all who want to have a laugh while listening to the latest star gossip or deep conversations). And one thing he mentioned really stuck in my head, that allies of the LGBTQ+ community should stand up to their beliefs and show openly that they are supportive. So let me do just that and give my opinion to some major misconceptions about sexualities.

  • Misconception #1: Being gay is a choice

Let me tell you that I have read and personally listened to enough heart-breaking coming out stories or in general experiences that lots of LGBTQ+ people go through, to know that being gay in a heteronormative society is not a choice. The fear and hate some people grow up with makes children and teenagers feel so bad and out of place that in moments of weakness they either wish they were straight or never even existed in the first place and those are thoughts no kid should ever have, least of all because of their sexual orientation. Fact is they cannot change who they are or who they love and they should not be pressured to try by being sent to camps or forced to date or even have intercourse with the opposite sex. If strictly heterosexual person can’t make themselves fall in love with someone of the same gender, a homosexual can’t either, just as an aromantic/asexual person can’t fall in love or have sex with anyone.

  • Misconception #2: Being gay/bi/… is unnatural

I find it very ironic and amusing how humankind compliments itself by stating they are extremely intelligent and such an advanced race, but when it comes to cases of rape or the topic of sexuality the arguments often base on our so called instincts to procreate. They are right in one point only, it amazes me how far we have come looking at our technology and all the possibilities we have. On another hand humans can be very irrational and almost stupid. We are so many on this planet and we have knowledge about so much in these times of the internet and social networks – people cannot possibly think that it is of importance for a man to be with a woman to preserve our race? There are so many abandoned children, whose number of cases could be easily decreased by choosing to let same-sex couples marry and actually adopt children. Also as I said, no one chooses their sexuality, so there is really nothing unnatural about that. By the way, there are also lots of animals who choose a same-sex partner. So what do you want to tell me, that dolphins rebel and choose to be gay? Yeah, thought so…

  • Misconception #3: Gay people will turn my children gay/bi/…

No. Seriously what kind of logic is that? Apparently our gay Spanish teacher did not manage to turn any of my classmates gay and an openly gay friend could not prevent being homosexual by being surrounded by straight couples in school, in the TV and basically everywhere. Shouldn’t we all be heterosexual when the only thing they show us are heterosexual couples or over-sexualised men and women who have lots of meaningless intercourse with the opposite sex? As you see, it did not work because that is simply NOT how sexuality actually works. Grow up and do your research.

  • Misconception #4: Being gay/bi/… is a new and modern lifestyle

And again – RESEARCH. Having a gay relationship was not only common in ancient Greece, but often even happily seen and recommended. I have also read of cultures that considered same-sex relationships as something sacred. So don’t try to tell me people only recently found out about those sexualities or identities, as transgender. All those interpretations have existed before, only no one put an actual name on them. Those feelings could only be vaguely described and not named. Today those sexualities and identities (of gender) have names and we can actively label ourselves IF we CHOOSE to (btw – watch “The Danish Girl”, such a good movie about a trangender man in the 1920s)

I do not want to aggressively change anyone’s minds. As an ally of the LGBTQ+ community I want to learn and educate other people, no matter if it’s about what’s fact and what’s fiction or what’s bi- and what’s pansexuality. I want to show people that even if they still don’t like the idea of anything else that is not heterosexuality, there are still ways to live without offending and insulting any of your fellows. There are ways to live in harmony, we only have to listen and learn.

If anybody can find someone to love them and to help them through this difficult thing that we call life, I support that in any shape or form.

Will Smith

My New Year’s Resolutions

I don’t particularly like New Year’s resolutions. They always felt like obligations, a contract that you sign with yourself, so in July you feel like you have failed because you were too motivated on New Year’s Eve and set impossible goals for yourself. So what I am going to do is set some unsettled ideas and aims for myself that I can accomplish without putting myself in any danger, as starving at the end of December to lose those extra pounds as quickly as possible – here we go:

– Be fit and healthy

I am trying to love my body as it is, plus the love handles and the scars and what not, but it is very important for me to not lose control over my body and weight as I see some in my family now struggling with different problems concerning their heart and joints and I do not want to end up there. I already started to reduce the size of the portions I eat, so my body does not even realize that i eats less, I drink more water and even try to cut down the sweets (there were to many birthdays including cakes this December…)

– Meet and stay more with people that make me happy

I found out that most people I had to endure talking to and hang out with in school didn’t even fit into my picture of a friend or people I like. Since then I completely distanced myself from them and only stayed with those that I either like or that want to invest their energy in our friendship. I had honest talks asking those people I actually wanted to stay in touch with if they wanted to stay friends and literally didn’t care about the rest. I got so tired and sad after these years of depression I could not imagine myself keeping up a charade for people I do not even care about. I want to be happy and spend time with people that can make that happen.

– Get to know different people and learn from them

I am an open-minded person I like to think, but I recently thought about how my circle of friendship is not that diverse. I mean, I have friends from different cultures and households, but they mostly grew up in rather similar surroundings under similar circumstances having akin experiences. I want to learn and hear other people’s stories, and believe me, if it wasn’t for the fact I would come off as a creep I would just start conversations with complete strangers to learn more about them and their way to live. I will figure that point out along the way I guess.

– Put myself first and not feel guilty about things that aren’t my fault

I really love to help others and make their lives easier, but I often forget in the process to take care of myself first and then I feel guilty for not being able to help someone and that is not okay. Everyone should look out for themselves first before taking care of someone else. Also people think they can take advantage of me by my guilt driven mind and this should really stop, it’s driving me crazy!

– Influence the people around me in a positive way

I already did that a bit by showing three of my cousins the joys of reading books and they thanked me for it, when I didn’t even do it intentionally! It made me extremely happy, and I saw an opportunity to do this, influence people or even just make them happier or think about certain topics critically. Living in a rather conservative family my top priority are them and people in my direct area, as I know I can’t change the world in a year. My main focus lies in making them at least less sexist, racist or homophobic. If you grew up where these are unfortunately normal attitudes you also know how it is to grind your teeth while your uncle or someone else is offensive at family dinner because your parents don’t want you to throw a fit. Enough of that. I will open my mouth even more often in this year and educate people around me to live a non-offensive and tolerant life. I know it’s harder with adults, but at least I want their kids to learn something from it. I hope I will have success with that one, as it is something I strongly care about.

– Be happy with me and my choices                                                                    

I still have to think about what I truly want to study and work as later on, so I hope this is going to be the year I will find this out and start working towards a future I chose BY MYSELF, FOR MYSELF

Ottermann - Tagebuch (rot)These are some special kind of diaries (that one is in german). Instead of being forced to come up with what to write in long paragraphs every day, this diary was designed to be filled out by you. There are a couple of different forms in which you tick off how you felt today, draw a graph of how happy or productive you have been, who you have met and much more. Firstly I got it to change my life to the positive and improve myself, so on the first page all the “resolutions” are listed and I can always keep in check if I make any progress. I love it!

So finally, to me and you, the one reading this: I wish us an incredible and happy year. Go have a Cookie or something, you are awesome!

So, you are too Mainstram/Hipster?

Can I just say how sick I am of hipsters? Nothing against the lifestyle, the choice of clothes or their tumblr account full of moustaches and “Perks of being a Wallflower”-quotes, but it’s the impact the Hipster vs. Mainstream fight has in every other area, as music.

I can’t stand when people dislike my music taste because apparently Dillon tries too hard to be different and One Direction is only for 12 year olds – seriously, how good the music is does not depend on their fan base or the first two years of their career. By the way: you know that half the stuff the bands do in the first couple of years has been written by anyone and told them by their management? Grow up, mate.

I am sick of those people who only listen to a specific genre and other “cool, not Taylor Swift” stuff feel like the gurus of music. They know half the Bands on Frequency and now feel the urge to show the rest of the world how cool and “not mainstream” they are and judge and insult other musicians and genres. *slow clap* Well done, you are officially an annoying idiot.

Why? Why is it so hard to understand that choosing THE music is like choosing the attributes of beauty: you can’t! There are too many tastes, too many differences between the genres and features that you can’t state what kind of music is the best. So don’t even try.

I am sick of not being able to show of my incredible Playlists on parties because hidden between some Top50 songs there is 1D’s “Little Black Dress” (which rocks) or some good ol’ Britney songs, Uncle Kracker or damn Beatles. I’m sick of having to explain that just because I listen to that one song, I don’t have any taste in music or don’t listen to anything else. Because I do! I listen to everything that sounds good to me, from Reggae, over Hip Hop to Rap and Pop and anything from The Neighbourhood and Soya over Lady Gaga to Eminem and everything that is in between Alice Cooper and Bon Jovi. If I think its good I’m going to listen to it, no matter what media, those Hipsters or my music-festival-friends say about it.

Let’s finally get over all of this “I knew them before they were cool” and “But they are so mainstream” before the next generation arrives because if that happens I will see myself forced to walk through the city with a ghetto blaster playing Justin Bieber. And we both don’t want that to happen, believe me.

Maybe I’m going to post some of my favourite songs because I can and I won’t let anybody make me feel bad for what I like to listen to. I’d love to hear some of your favs, put them down in the comments!