My insecurities: Friends

Heya, so there is this thing about me and my whole lot of insecurities. I was always a pretty happy child. I mean I have a couple of dark spots tainting my childhood, but I was happy with myself. I don’t know when exactly, but along the way of growing up into a teenager, I started looking at me – my personality and my body with a critical look and the base of it was the impossible standards for them set by a cruel society.

Today is not the day I want to talk about body images, but my way of handling platonic relationships: friends. I like having people around me, I love hanging out with my friends, but finding them and getting to know them is one of the scariest processes for me. I try not to give it away, but the first days of university I was full of fear of not being accepted by anyone, as I just have finished school and tried to start new and finally go back to find out who I truly was, instead of being defined by others and what they thought of me.

One of the things people told me before my first day at university was, “Remember, it’s their first day too, they also want to find friends, just as bad as you do.” – while this should have been comforting, for me it sounded like this, “Some poor souls that will accidently befriend with you in their haste, will have to either distance themselves from you later on or they are stuck with you even if they don’t really want to. Good for you!” It did not come to my mind that yes, maybe there are people outside who don’t only spend time with me because they have known me for so much time that it seems right to stay in touch with me. That yes, it was possible for someone to stay and spend time with me because I seem like a decent person to them that they like. Seems weird, but it happened.

What I need when I meet new people is them reminding me that they want me. Well, this sounded sexual, sorry for that. But really, I like to know that I am actually welcome to stay in a conversation or whatever, even if it’s just by being included actively. The easiest way is really just proposing a meet-up or activities. It’s nice to see that someone cares enough to not wait for you to make the first move, no matter if it’s in a romantic or in a friendly relationship. I am a very easily pleased person – take me to the park, the theatre, a cafe, your flat, whatever it is: I will enjoy my time spent with a good friend no matter what circumstances.

Another way is to tell me. We all really should tell those around us more often how much we appreciate them and that we like their company. Nothing brings more happiness than a sincere compliment that comes from the heart and makes others feel wanted and happy. Sometimes I loose myself in my uncertainty and totally forget that other people want my “approval” and love too and it may take time, but I will let you know soon enough that I appreciate and like you if that’s the case. I guess I forget to let people know I like having them around me because I don’t understand how they could ever feel uncertain about themselves, insecure or even unwanted because I see my friends as incredible humans that only deserve the best. Thinking about how they don’t see that just seems very absurd to me somehow.

I managed to keep contact with those friends that are dear to my heart even after graduation. Some I meet regularly, others are often busy with school or university but we text and meet every now and then, and then there are those who call or text every once in a while and you can’t really be mad at them because they make you smile and laugh, as if the last time you heard from them wasn’t over a month ago. Not only that, but I found new friends during my time at university too (I know, I was JUST as surprised). They are not many, but I can proudly say that they are my own personal choice of friends and I’d like to keep each of them, as different as they are. The funny thing is by the way, how different friends fit with the different aspects of your personality or hobbies you may have, so your circle of friends can be really diverse and that I find beautiful.

So where am I going with this post you may ask yourself now. Well, I’m making this up as I go so what about this: it’s hard to get rid of insecurities – really hard, but here I am making new friends and rather comfortably telling people what I expect from our relationship. You could say I am progressing, and not only try to take care of myself, but also be a better friend for those I care. I’ll try my best. I may need the confirmation from my friends that they actually want to spend time with me, and sometimes it is very difficult for me to voice out this insecurity as it may seem to other people that I want them to commit to me while all I need is the right amount of “I like having you around and I actually want to spend my time with you” so I do not feel unwanted. Yes, I can’t help it, don’t judge me.